A Rambunctious Family
by alightintheshadows
Summary: The amount of shenanigans occurring in Central is too damn high! Hawkeye is forced to create a list of things Mustang and his team are never allowed to do. What could they have done to make the list? Warning: slight OOC. Just a humorous one-shot.


**Hello! I'm back to write another story. This will be a one-shot of basically a list of things Mustang and his team are no longer allowed to do. Anything that is on the list will be in italics to avoid any confusion. This is definitely meant to be humorous, and I hope you all will get a nice laugh out of this.**

 **Warnings: Some of the shenanigans described could have definitely happened while other things might just be slightly OOC...just slightly. *wink***

 **I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist...unfortunately.**

Mustang and his team were all gathered in his office for the end of the work day. Breda, Havoc, and Ed all sat on one couch while Fuery, Falman, and Hughes were sitting on the couch opposite of the other three.

"Where's Hawkeye? She's the one who called this meeting!" Havoc complained as he lit a cigarette.

As if on cue, The First Lieutenant strolled into the office with a piece of paper rolled into a scroll. She looked to Mustang sitting at his desk.

"Sir, I"m going to have to ask you to sit with your men as this meeting is directed to you as well," she politely requested.

Not wanting to give Hawkeye a reason to pull out one of her various firearms, the Colonel quickly moved and sat on the couch next to Hughes. Hawkeye started the meeting.

"Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that you all have been getting into a bit of trouble due to some of your unprofessional actions. I have assembled a list of things that are to no longer occur in the workplace or by the members of this team out of the office due to the consequences that have resulted on previous occasions."

"Wait!" Hughes interrupted, "Why am I here when I'm not one of Mustang's subordinates? Do I have to stay here?"

"And why isn't Al here? He's here almost as much as I am!" Ed butted in.

Hawkeye sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Because, Lieutenant Colonel, you seem to be in this office more than anywhere else, so you will be included on this list and must remain in this meeting. Concerning Al's absence, sadly he is the youngest one of us, yet somehow the most mature. He doesn't need to be here. Now the following list that contains actions that will no longer be repeated is as follows:"

Hawkeye opened the scroll of paper which reached the floor.

 _Colonel Mustang will refrain from stealing Havoc's girlfriends._

"It's not my fault the ladies can't resist my charm!" Mustang protested.

Hawkeye sighed again. It was only the first thing on the list and she was already being interrupted.

"It's still not fair," Havoc grumbled.

Hughes snickered and turned to Mustang.

"It's not as if Roy likes any of them anyway. There's someone else he's got his eye on…."

"Shut up, Maes!" Mustang warned before his friend could go any further.

Hawkeye raised her voice as she continued the list.

 _Do not steal Hawkeye's guns thinking she won't notice. Believe it or not, she does know the exact number of guns she possesses and where each one is located._

 _Stop referring to Ed as the "FullofShit Alchemist."_

Ed glared at Breda who was snickering.

 _Fuery and Havoc must stop spying on the Colonel when he goes out on dates._

 _Hughes may no longer call the Colonel, say "get a wife!", and then hang up with no other conversation. The Colonel will only be put in a bad mood._

 _Unless the loss of limbs is desired, do not steal any of Breda's food._

 _Havoc is not allowed to kidnap Ed and drag him around Central in the attempt to attract women that like kids._

"Hey! I did not kidnap the Chief!" Havoc protested.

Ed narrowed his eyes at Havoc.

"What the hell do you call it, Havoc? You came to my dorm and demanded that I go with you. When I refused, you threw me over your shoulder and took me with you against my will!"

The rest of the team started chuckling as Havoc tried to come up with something.

"Forced assistance, perhaps?" he tried.

"Did it work?" Falman asked, hope evident in his voice.

"It actually did," Havoc responded while giving him a thumbs up.

Ed shook his head. Hawkeye continued.

 _Do not leave notes on the Colonel's desk saying that he has a kid from one of his many one-night stands and must now take responsibility for the child._

"Who on earth did that?" Breda asked.

To everyone's shock, Falman raised his hand. Even Hawkeye was a bit surprised.

"I get bored," he explained.

 _The Colonel is not allowed to incinerate his paperwork as opposed to doing it, or use it to make paper airplanes._

 _Do not tell Major Armstrong that Fuery wants to hear his entire family history. Fuery will only be scarred for life._

 _Ed and Hughes are not allowed to position a bucket of water above the Colonel's door so it will fall on him when he walks in. We all know how useless the Colonel is when he gets wet._

Hughes and Ed burst out laughing while Mustang glared daggers at both of them.

 _Havoc is not allowed to make Fuery grab his butt for an opinion regarding if it needs to be toned more. People already question you two's sexuality enough as it is._

"Um...how did you know about that?" Fuery stammered as both he and Havoc turned red while everyone else almost fell to the floor laughing, with the exception of the First Lieutenant.

"I walked in on you two and saw it. I immediately left to wash my eyes out in an attempt to unsee that. It didn't work, in case you were wondering," Hawkeye smoothly replied.

She continued after the others had calmed down and stopped laughing...which took nearly ten minutes.

 _Do not refer to the Colonel as "Fire's Little Bitch."_

 _Do not wager on how much Ed will grow within the next year. We all know he won't._

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TINY, LITTLE PIPSQUEAK?" Ed roared while flailing like a madman.

Everyone just stared at him blankly.

"No one," Mustang said with his customary smirk.

"You probably started the bet, you smug bastard," Ed grumbled as he sat down on the couch again.

 _Do not set up the Colonel on a blind date with General Armstrong._

 _Do not say "If it would please your majesty" after being ordered to do something by Hawkeye._

 _Do not try to guess Hawkeye's weight._

 _Quit telling Ed that he needs to get together with Winry. While we all know it's going to happen eventually, we don't need all of Central destroyed._

"I've told you guys, she's just my automail mechanic!" Ed groaned.

"Then why did we see you making out with her?" Breda asked with an eyebrow raised.

"You couldn't have seen that! We were in the middle of a forest and it was dark…." Ed covered his mouth with wide eyes and blushed as red as his cloak, realizing that he had just admitted to kissing Winry.

Everyone howled with laughter, especially Mustang and Hughes. The corners of Hawkeye's mouth were pulled into a small grin.

"Way to go, Chief!" Havoc congratulated as he clapped a hand on Ed's shoulder.

Ed buried his face in his hands. He was never going to live this down.

 _Stop trying to get everyone, including the Fuhrer, to refer to the Colonel as "The Walking Toaster."_

 _Breda is not to hide Havoc's cigarettes._

 _Stop asking Ed to use his alchemy to fix simple things that you all know you are capable of easily fixing yourselves, but are too lazy to do it._

 _Do not choreograph a musical theater number during the work day. You all have more important things you should be doing._

 _Do not forge a letter from Hawkeye, asking the Colonel to let her "ride the Mustang."_

All eyes turned to Hughes, knowing that he was the only one either brave or stupid enough to do such a thing.

 _Do not challenge other military officers to duels with pens. Brigadier General Gran was not amused._

 _Ed must stop prank calling the Colonel, especially when he uses the gimmick of being a lost Drachman with homosexual tendencies only for the Colonel._

 _Falman must refrain from making the B's the Colonel writes on his paperwork look like butts._

 _Do not strategically place stuffed dogs around the office to scare Breda._

 _Do not play Truth or Dare when you all are hanging out and drinking. You all almost got law enforcement called on you all last time._

 _Do not let Ed have any alcohol during these gatherings._

 _Do not sneak around Central pretending to be a secret agent, Colonel, or at least get better at it. I wouldn't have seen you if you had actually been successful._

 _Hughes must refrain from showing so many pictures of Elysia. No one needs anything else to help them put off their work._

 _Do not encourage Fuery to pick up stray dogs._

 _The Colonel needs to stop referring to himself as the "Resident Bad Ass."_

"More like the Resident Fat Ass!" Ed guffawed.

Mustang got up off the couch and walked over to Ed, towering over the kid.

"I'll have you know, my ass is firm and aesthetically pleasing. And if anyone here is the Resident Fat Ass, it's Breda."

"What the hell, Colonel?" Breda asked with his mouth full of a sandwich.

He was ignored. Ed stood up to challenge the Colonel.

"Why so defensive, Mustang? Are you just jealous that you can't pull off these tight leather pants like I can?"

Mustang snorted.

"I could if I wanted to, but I have a better taste in dress than that."

"I'm can guarantee your giant ass couldn't fit in these pants! You're upset because a teenager has a nicer ass than you do."

The two continued to quarrel until Hughes interrupted.

"While we are on the subject of nice asses, I'm pretty sure I've got both of you beat," he said as he joined the two bickering alchemists.

"Are you guys actually comparing your asses right now?" Falman asked incredulously.

"This has to be the weirdest day in the office of all time," Fuery commented.

"I definitely have the best ass!" Ed declared triumphantly.

"Says who? Winry Rockbell?" Mustang asked, knowing Ed would back down after that, "I think I win."

"But who says you do, Roy?" Hughes asked with a smirk, his eyes glinting with mischief, "Riza Hawkeye?"

Hughes should have known better. Everyone's jaws dropped. Their eyes went back and forth to the First Lieutenant, who had dropped the list with a dark expression on her face, and the Colonel.

"Lieutenant Colonel, if you value your life, I highly suggest you run fast and run far," she warned as she went for her gun.

Mustang pulled on his ignition gloves. Hughes ran out of the office with Hawkeye and Mustang right on his heels. Several gunshots, snaps, and girlish screams were heard. The rest of the team got up and looked at the paper, only one thing remaining on the list.

 _Above all, we must remember to respect and look out for each other. We are a family after all._

The remaining men stood for a brief moment of silence.

"Well...that's kind of nice," Fuery said sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head, not really knowing what to say.

"It is," Havoc commented. Then he turned to Falman, "Want me to show you how to use Ed to pick up women?"

Falman nodded, and Ed had a look of horror on his face as he registered what was said. Before he could run, Havoc wrapped his arms around him while Falman grabbed his legs. Together, the two carried the struggling Ed out of the office.

"Hey! You can't do this! Hawkeye said so...she'll help me! HAWKEYE!"

Ed's yelling fell on deaf ears as Hawkeye and Mustang were still hunting down Hughes. Fuery sighed and looked at the list.

"This list is going to be completely ignored, isn't it?" he asked Breda.

Breda nodded. The two exited the office, wondering if Central would be in flames by the time Mustang and Hawkeye were done with Hughes.

 **I hope you all enjoyed this one-shot and found it amusing! I definitely enjoyed writing it. I'm thinking of writing a multi-chapter fic about the events that lead to the creation of this list. We'll see though!**

 **Until next time,**

 **alightintheshadows**


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